I do not know if I believe in God
In truth, I do not know what I believe.
I know that I believe in something, or at least I know that I try to do it. But I also know that I can not recognize in Catholicism, trapped in an endless series of need / no must, of commandments and prohibitions that seek to outline our actions and our ideas in faults and sins, in right and wrong. And who refuses to adapt to the times we are living.
also know that it's been a while 'I'm looking for answers. About myself and things that happen. Or Captain. Why I want desperately to make sense of things, because I'd like awfully to be able to explain this life in which I never feel completely at ease.
Why I want to be sure I have the tools to go beyond my limits.
Why I'm wearing this sense of precarious for years, because for too long I feel suspended to fend for myself and my weaknesses. Emotions, my fears and need to know that there's more. Or maybe just to love or be loved a little 'more.
Yesterday, quite by accident, I had an interesting chat with a young and modern priest, one of those who, for once, I speak your language, not of the questions that you are surprised, perhaps a child and bit 'too down to earth, your doubts, one of those phrases that you can throw in there provocatively, but basically they are the fruit of your skepticism, the anger never subsided into this life that you always take away a bit' more than gives you.
E 'was hard, emotionally. Very hard, one of those earthquakes interior capable of bringing down at least 50% of your certainty.
I spoke to my mother, how I miss it, especially at this time, to what still is incomprehensible to me that this design so magnanimous and merciful God, if there is, he thought for me.
how little convincing and comforting for me is his response: God offers us eternal life, after this there will be wonderful for you, where you reunite with your loved ones and live in the bliss of the elect.
not enough for me, dear Father, because while I'm here, soon be Christmas and she is not there, as there was in recent years, and there will be one day if I ever get married, and will not be with me and my sister the day we have of children.
not I'm happy to know that we'll be together in the next life. I would be able to embrace here today in this life. Go for a walk downtown with her, have lunch together on Sunday.
is that there is little to do, if faith is a gift, I might not have been given.
Maybe I studied too, before the Greek anthology, then a lot of philosophy and history, then right too, and today my rational mind does not allow me to overcome the empirical data, to see beyond, or outside of things.
The strange thing is that when I think of my mother, as if I could see me, guide me, support me, and perhaps, at times I also had the strong sensation of it close, as if it were sitting there, two chairs farther in a cinema, or train, or walk down the street.
But it's been a while 'who do not feel that I turn to you for help, I stopped believing. At that something higher, which could be a God, in life, in my ability to deal with it.
is that you deceive yourself now out of them, certain things. Do you think we can go on the same, I say give an explanation, but at least resign. But I just can not, accept. Instead just a nothing, and my mind becomes a web of questions, which I can not find answers on time.
Perhaps because, as a psychologist friend tells me, there really is not much to understand. We should think less, have a lot of that strength to be able to take it as it comes, to follow the flow of things without making the effort to go against. Be happy with what you have, not worried about what we're missing.
I need to think, I need to write these few sentences, perhaps inconclusive, perhaps trivial, surely rhetorical. And I try to do that exercise you suggest in these cases, which they say is good, for once, at least in my case, sports psychologists and priests agree: try to think that it is not obvious you there tomorrow . It 'as if today was your last day on earth.
What are the important things with you? Which ones you are missing?
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